A new report emerged today which states that , in an albeit roundabout way, Brian O’Driscoll is fully to blame for all of the country’s problems, thanks to his prowess on the rugby pitch which in turn facilitated heavy advertising of alcohol – leading to an increase in stupid destructive teenagers, fat-bellied useless polititicans and a general brain-dead malaise permeating throughout all levels of society. Rugby officials & players including chunky ubiquitous “hero” O’Driscoll have refuted shocking claims that they technically forced alcohol on children, claiming there had been “a drastic misunderstanding” and that their facing lenghty jail terms was “unjust”. The wording of the report has been twisted beyond any recognition by some solicitors at Fine Gael‘s behest and now finds previously-venerated sports heroes including O’Driscoll and Peter Stringer to be guilty of heinously pushing mind-altering alcohol on society’s most vunerable, ergo wrecking the country.
The news came today when Minister of State for Health Róisín Shortall pledged to bulldoze ALCOHOL SPONSORSHIP of sports events in an effort to eradicate the societal cancer of bored teenagers skulling alcopops and cans in order to have sex with each other and alleviate the boredom of their wretched small-town existence. “I am committed to phasing it out over a reasonable period of time,” she said in the Dáil. There is “no room for ambivalence in our approach” she also said.
O’Driscoll will be brought before the High Court in July next to be charged with rampant endrunkenizing of the nation’s youth and consequently causing over 1 million unwanted pregnancies and car crashes and negative stereotypes. Further to these he will face a rash of lesser, more general charges for crimes against modern society to include:
- Causing leaving cert results to be way more shit
- Causing Dell to relocate to Poland
- Causing the Health Service to be in dire straits
- Causing the economic downturn and culture of reckless spending and bad debts
- Causing bad drainage & an increase in potholes
- Causing cronyism
- Causing reckless over-development of nowhere towns with thoughtless, corrupt planning
- Causing the Civil service to be poorly managed
Fine Gael said they were surprised to see the blame for the culture of alcohol imbiming and it’s “related ills” including total mismanagement of the country being placed soley on O’Driscoll’s shoulders but said that the facts “spoke for themselves”. “It was either him or the previous government” added Shortall, from the Dáil bar.
“Ah here, hang on…” protested predatory beast O’Driscoll, as he was led away to a holding cell to await trial.
Recommendations from the majority report of the National Substance Misuse Steering Group, published in February, included a ban on all alcohol sponsorship of sporting and large outdoor events, as well as a ban on outdoor advertising of alcohol, higher excise duties on some alcohol products and the introduction of minimum pricing.
The report also said alcohol marketing led to young people starting to drink at a younger age and drinking more. And 16-21-year-olds “list alcohol advertisements as five of their top 10 favourite advertisements”. Also worrying was the fact that each participating teenager was given a slab of cans to take part in the report, with most choosing the higher-percentage FuckBlitz 5.0 Super-lightning Imported Energy Cider
The report also featured individual cases of teen alcoholism and related impact statements & interviews, such as the folowing case study:
Fintan Bookread was a model pupil in his home town of Borris, Co. Carlow, until the summer before he moved his new secondary school. “I had a normal life, I would go to school, go to football or hurling practise, then go home and sleep until school the next morning. Sometimes I would watch The Voice on RTÉ. It was a magical existence”.
But Fintan soon claims he felt a shift in his psyche after watching a rugby match on television. “I grew hair on my balls, my voice deepened and suddenly I wanted to go out with my pals, drink beers and look at girls. My world fell apart”. The previously bright lights of Borris had turned dim for Bookread after watching that fateful match, changing him into an alcoholic, skirt-chasing maniac. “I tried to fill my time with other things such as walking down to the chipper in the drizzle, sitting near the golf course in the drizzle or watching The Voice on RTÉ but the previous magic of these activites had worn off. I now just wanted to get pissed and shift girls. It was a waking nightmare”.
It must have been a Guinness logo I saw during the match that tipped me over the edge” he said, as he sipped from his can of Tyskie. “Now give me a fag or I’ll break your fucking jaw” he added.