Brendan Howlin in ‘slashing spree’ as Army DVD and booze allowances cut

Irish Army officials and spokespeople were out in force today on the streets of Dublin to speak to the media in protest at Brendan Howlin‘s “excessive” allowance cuts. The Minister for Public Expenditure announced the “savage” and “sickening” cuts affecting nurses, Gardaí, teachers and public servants this morning after buckling under pressure from back-benchers to save money ahead of the December 2012 budget.

Forbidden Babes 9: Escape from Zombie Horse Planet is a favourite among O'Connor's regiment. "It has some great performances" he says.

Members of the army were reeling as the age-old and staunchly-defended DVD & Booze allowance was kicked to touch by the Minister, having been in place for almost 70 years. Introduced in 1943 as a way of tempting recruits away from the UK and back into the Irish uniform, the D&B Allowance (starting life as ‘Mags ‘n’ Booze’, then ‘Beta & Booze’, then ‘VHS & Booze’ after a failed experimental stint as ‘Laserdisc and Guinness Light’) has been a cornerstone of Irish Army life for more than a generation.

“Hell no,
We won’t go,
On without our DVD and booze,

Cork-based Private O’Connor of 2nd Battalion Parachute Regiment told reporters “When you’re in Kosovo or Lybia or wherever, and you’ve done a hard day’s peacekeeping, a couple of cans and a watch off of your Family Ties DVD boxset is what keeps you going. My Dad had a toploading VHS with Only Fools & Horses series 1-3 for the long nights, and his father before him got pissed and read Ireland’s Own in his tent on patrol. So there’s no way the Minister is slashing MY RIGHT to get banjaxed on cider and watch the early seasons of Coach with the lads in the barracks during down time”.

“We’ll strike if we have to” he added.

A number of irate Army personnel began chanting slogans and waving placards with slogan’s such as “Leeve it out Mnister”, “No way Howlin you bollox” and “I think I feel a little deafness coming on”.