The embattled Minister for Justice Alan Shatter has dropped a bombshell on the Dáil by revealing his true identity as that of internationally renown romance author Danielle Steele.
Eagle-eyed Sligo-born romance novel enthusiast Brenda Frumpguna unwittingly added another explosive element to the ongoing Alan Shatter debacle when she called the Ray D’Arcy show yesterday morning and pointed out the alarming similarities between Alan Shatter’s checkpoint experience and a steamy scene in the Danielle Steele latest novel “A Policy of Enlovement“.
The book describes a scenario involving the protagonist – a high-powered MEP named Gavin Clatter – visiting Dublin and being pulled over by a female officer, leading to a sexy clinch in a parked Paddywagon. “I was readin’ it an I just thought how similar is were like. Between what yer man was after sayin an’ all and like what the bangarda is was saying over in the book like before they go at it like in the police van where she has three multiple orgasms” said Frumpguna to the plucky D’Arcy and his team of airwave pals. After an ad break and within minutes of the piece going live, excerpts from the novel in question were all over Facebook and blasting onto paper headlines.
“It’s uncanny” said Irish Times journalist Fiachtráightaighidh O’Snerdraíghtachtaigh. “A politician is coming home from a high-powered meeting in Dublin with a CIA agent – accompanied by a load of babes who all fancy him – in the Dáil bar when he gets stopped at a checkpoint: ‘The female officer leaned forward to question Gavin, and his eyes met hers in an white-hot explosion of sexual tension. Her rain-flecked breasts strained behind her high-visibility jacket and her mousy-brown ponytail hid sexishly under her flat Garda hat. As she leaned across to check his tax and NCT, Gavin could scan the full and frank curvature of her pleated navy trousers as her buttocks quivered teasingly in the orange street light. ‘Have you been drinking?’ inquired the Bangarda knowingly as she licked her lips and slowly revealed her notebook. ‘Only ‘in your beauty”’ replied Clatter, licking his lips knowingly. ‘Don’t you know who I am’, he then joked playfully – showing his funny side, knowingly – to which the Bangarda laughed coquettishly and motioned towards the Garda van. ‘I thought you’d never ask’ replied Gavin lip-lickingly as he pulled his Mercedes over in a safe and responsible manner to avoid oncoming traffic and applied a little Brut from a bottle in his glove compartment while unzipping his trousers.‘
“Phew!” added O’Snerdraíghtachtaigh helpfully.
“The rumours are true” began a dramatic Alan Shatter this morning as he stood to refute a Fianna Fáil motion of no confidence in him this morning. “For years my family, fans and well-wishers have urged me to come clean, and tell the world about who I really am; to part the lips of silence and thrust forth the truth of my shocking, exciting and real identity” said the Minister to an excited house. “For too long I have held a fantastic secret, a secret that only those very close to me have known, that I shall today reveal to members of the Dáil and the people of this country” he added, needlessly. “A country so steeped in heritage and history….a country blessed with a spirit of courage that champions a policy of spiritude” he rambled as a large portion of Dáil members began to chat among themselves and leave early for lunch.
After a long intro and several coffees the TD eventually revealed that he had been writing novels under the name Danielle Steele since the early 70’s, and felt the books outlandish success would interfere with his “more important work as a member of the Dáil and property portfolio guy”. Claiming to have produced over 5 books a year and to be the biggest selling author alive, Shatter’s dubious claim is made as details of his brush with the law come to light and paint him unfavourably for refusing to comply with a breath test and leaving the scene without being waved on. A report which gives an accurate account of the routine Garda stop has ‘gone missing’ and Shatter also allegedly asked the officer is she knew who he was. “But when I said that – even thought I didn’t say it – I was subconsciously trying to unveil my true identity as the 800 million selling romance novelist ‘Danielle Steele’ to anyone who would listen. I was just trying to be myself, to be me, to be a human, and have basic human rights. Must I be denied these human rights, time and again?” implored a visibly drained Shatter to a largely empty Dáil.
The woman previously known as Danielle Steele (American woman Danielle Steele) – has not been available for comment and was last seen getting into a car in New York with a wig-wearing man who appeared to resemble someone doing a poor impression of shambling tax-dodging disgrace Mick Wallace